LEAVING THE CITY OF REGRET

THIS morning during my normal workout I watched a segment of Joyce Meyers.  Many people are skeptical of her program but I find it grounded in the word of God and that happens to be the test that I live by to determine what is worth giving my time to.  Nonetheless today her segment was on "Letting Go Of GUILT"  Now this is the area that I believe plagues anyone that is looking to move into a new chapter of life the most.  We all have it and we all carry the baggage of REGRET.

WE have to finally get that we can't change the past but can only make the future right.  It's then that the burden of baggage can truly be lifted from your shoulders and a new life awaits you.  Life is a Highway and there are many curves, narrow paths and crossroads.  I have found my navigator in life to keep me on course and in line with the best possible road to take at all times.  While I'm not preaching here and don't intend too, I will mention as you already know if you keep up with my blog, my  navigator is Jesus Christ.  So this morning in her segment, the story she read had great meaning to me and was just what I needed to move through my day.  I want to share it here so that no matter who your 'navigator' in life is, you might benefit from this too.  It all starts with making a choice!  Choose to forgive yourself and heal.

 THE CITY OF REGRET

Written by: Larry Harp

I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year,and yet I found myself packing rather hurriedly.This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come out of it.
I'm talking about my annual ''GUILT TRIP''.


I got tickets to fly there on WISH I HAD airlines.It was an extremely short flight.I got my baggage,which I could not check.I chose to carry it myself all the way.It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been.No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the REGRET CITY INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.I say international because people from all over the world come to this dismal town.

As I checked into the LAST RESORT HOTEL,I noticed that they would be hosting the years most important event, THE ANNUAL PITY PARTY.I wasn't going to miss that great social occasion.Many of the towns leading citizens would be there.

First there would be the DONE FAMILY,you know,SHOULD HAVE,COULD HAVE and WOULD HAVE.Then came the I HAD family.You probably know ol' WISH and HIS CLAN.
Of course,the opportunities would be PRESENT,MISSED and LOST.The biggest family would be the YESTERDAY'S.There are far too many of them to count,but each one would have a very sad story to share.

Then SHATTERED DREAMS would surely make an appearance.
And IT'S THEIR FAULT would regale us with stories(excuses) about how things had failed in his life,and each story would be loudly applauded by DON'T BLAME ME and I COULDN'T HELP IT.

Well,to make a long story short,I went to this depressing party knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. AND,as usual,I became very depressed.But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past,it occured to me that ALL of this trip and subsequent ''pity party'' COULD be cancelled by ME!!

I started to truly realize that I did not have to be there.I didn't have to be depressed.One thing kept going through my mind,I CAN'T CHANGE YESTERDAY,BUT I DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE TODAY A WONDERFUL DAY.

I can be happy,joyous,fulfilled,encouraged,as well as encouraging.
Knowing this,I left THE CITY OF REGRET immediately and left no forwarding address.Am I SORRY for the mistakes I'VE MADE IN THE PAST?YES!  But there is no physical way to undo them.

So,if you're planning on taking a trip back to THE CITY OF REGRET,please cancel all your reservations now.  Instead,take a trip to a place called,STARTING AGAIN.I liked it so much that I have now taken permanent residence there.My neighbors, the I FORGIVE MYSELF'S and the NEW STARTS are so very helpful.

By the way,you don't have to carry around heavy baggage,because the load is lifted from your shoulder upon arrival.GOD bless you in finding this great town.If you can find it--it's in your own heart--please look me up.I live on I CAN DO IT street. 

I'm Leaving the City of Regret, How about you?
Have a great day!

It's Just Me, Val  Ciao! 

The Journey to a Great Life with Grace and Contentment...Past 50

There is Life after Empty Nesting

I never realized the void that follows empty nesting of our kids. In our case, we even filled our home with furry treasures that needed our love and still this void existed.  Trying to fill it is just that, a filler, and not a healthy solution.  Looking at life as different Chapters of our complete Journey, is definitely a healthy solution, at least for me.  

This blog post is my journaling a revelation in that journey that is making me a better person, and allowing me to step into my next chapter of life with grace and contentment.  

As I approached this chapter there is more 'letting go' that needed to take place before finding the "Condos and Boats." (Private Benjamin was just a favorite movie of mine)

In my last Chapter of this great life of mine, I went from Single Parenting a beautiful young lady, to marrying for the first time in life and blending a family of two great stepsons with my daughter, now our daughter.  

I worked hard at treating the boys as if I gave birth to them, and that is good for them and a serious goal of mine.  You see I grew up in a blended family as well and saw my mom incapable of loving her blended family equally.  Instead she spoiled us (my brother and I) to death and simultaneously treated her blended in children with a less than loving attitude.  She just was unable to give that love to my step brothers and sisters, who by the way I also consider my brothers and sisters. I found this the stepping stone for me to make a difference in my family so that the experience was not repeated.  I sometimes am blamed for being over the top on a fair and equitable field but I would much rather be blamed for that than to pass on that part of her legacy to my kids.

First Things First: Unpack Your Baggage

It's true that baggage carried through life from life's experience causes and nurtures dysfunction.  It is one of the biggest hurdles to overcome, but when we do overcome this, we can find contentment in ourselves and the result is living life with contentment and grace.  We have to learn to let go, trust and finally unpack and put away our baggage for good, otherwise we are settling for a victim mentality which will hold us back from moving onto the next chapter of life.

Deciding to take responsibility for me and accepting that I can't change others is a great first step to unpacking.  

1. Look inside ourselves and decide to heal the wound by forgiving ourselves in the process of facing our demons.  Yes we need to forgive ourselves...why?  Because the baggage we've been carrying and our responses to others in life may have been and likely have affected those relationships.  

For instance:  I once judged a friend of mine way back in the 80's on a moral issue.  I not only judged her but I let her know and exhaustively vented on the issue.  I became her moral compass and lost a precious friendship over that.  We are not anyone's moral compass and that was wrong.  So first I made sure to send a letter of apology with no motives other than to say I'm sorry for what I did, and next I forgave myself.  I truly healed and felt healed after doing this.

Don't be afraid to face your demons, it is so freeing and allows you to work towards 'loving who you are by just being YOU!'

2. Focus on YOU, not selfishly to the point of not being there for others, but rather give yourself attention, engage and concentrate both physically and mentally on the things that mean the most to you and you will find an incredible sense of fulfillment and happiness.  I just saw a post on my FB friends page that said:  "The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time." ~ Bertrand Russell  (Thanks Paul!)

3. Journal journal journal...it is so revealing and healing.  I experience so much growth from this.

4. Read...I just read a great book, it was a Christian book but that doesn't matter, what does matter is that it taught me to focus on the greater good and not allow my time and energy to get spent on things that pass out of our lives as quickly as they came into our lives.

5. If you're an empty nesting parent, let your kids know you love them, you would give your life for them, and then LET GO...give them the space they need to establish their lives now independent of you, and nurture their own family as life's course takes them.  Enjoy them but don't suffocate them with your love.  AND don't puff yourself up and think that they need your advice always to get through life...

MOM, DAD: Guess what? ,REVELATION:They'll survive and do well without us involved!  
I had this big fear that if I backed off it would look as if I wasn't interested anymore and didn't care, or want to be part of their life,  but that would have been the furthest thing from the truth.  Our kids have to learn that for themselves too

6. Learn to Love who YOU Are!!!  You are an awesome creation with so much to offer...problem is you've been offering it to everyone else and leaving yourself out...start sharing today and contentment and grace will be yours and your legacy passed onto your kids and their kids!  It's never too late!

Just sayin...

It's Only Me, Val  Ciao!

TURNING BACK THE HANDS OF TIME FOR GOOD REASON...

DID YOU TURN BACK YOUR CLOCK TODAY?

Hopefully you did and on time to not be late or miss important dates and events today.

Last week a friend of ours turned back her clock, only one week early.  She ended up being late for work, whoops!

But I am talking about something else today.  

I'm talking about...Turning Back the Hands of Time

If you're like me, you have many types of relationships: husband, kids, parents, grandparents, inlaws, then there are great friends, best friends, good friends, acquaintances, business relationships and of course neighbors. Oh I'm sure we could come up with many more like classmates, friends of friends, etc...


I'm one to speak out, mostly share my deepest feelings or opinions, hopefully it is received as being open and honest but if it seems bias, it's important to understand that I think out loud.  I tend to make statements that are thoughtful ones, not "oh how sweet" type of thoughtful ones but rather 'thinking as I am speaking and contemplating' thoughtful ones.  I hope I end all my thoughts in a manner that is respectful of everyone's feelings.  But I know for a fact that as I am 'thinking out loud' some listeners get defensive for their own feelings and opinions, as they think I am trying to force my opinion on them.  Not so...but I do understand.

I love debate and other's ideas. Often you have an exchange of ideas in a conversation, it can turn into a debate without trying.  But in the end it's important for me to share that I am an 'open thinker'.  Hopefully just saying that will help you understand I'm not forcefully projecting views that the listener better get or else, but rather sharing views of interest and  always hoping to have a "glass is half full" outcome accepted by others. I do get that sometimes you have to agree to disagree, but what I'm talking about today doesn't relate to that way of thinking...just sayin all this up front to set the stage of this blog.

I see the world through an 'Alice in Wonderland' view which can be thought of as quite naive by others, however I know better, it's just that I always 'hope' for more.  I want to believe the best, learn through experience that getting to the best isn't always pretty and many times comes with grieving, resentment, or other types of feelings associated with some of the realities that hit me from being this type of person.


Ok that was a MOUTHFUL!  My point?  I am sharing from my heart here, thinking out loud, my view, opinion, and otherwise that remain open and changeable, however I hope you as the reader and in this case listener will think, even out loud, and not with a 'glass is half empty, 'oh is she naive' mentality'.


My subject today?   
Friendship:Turning Back The Hands Of Time

You know our personal life cycles are not endless. We're not immortal. 

Life expentancy these days has increased due to medical and health breakthroughs, as well as lifestyle and life changing mindsets that we may embrace.  Our lives extend out much further than our former generations and I suspect it will only continue to improve.  BUT... 

Why is it, that we don't learn to appreciate some people,  I mean fully appreciate them, accepting them no matter what.

Why is it that we take others for granted or worse write the friendship off due to some hurt or discomfort, only to revisit the friendship if they have a life threatening experience, or are in the last season of life? 

Are we seeking to have friends that prove to not only have commonalities but can make us feel something we're missing, or validate what we want to believe about ourselves? 

I call this  selfishly demanding friendships.

SELFISHLY DEMANDING?  WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SAYING NOW, VAL?

Whether we will admit this or not, friends, close or not,  hurt us, or bug us, or rub us the wrong way.  Most of the time they don't realize they do it, they don't do it intentionally, and possibly some baggage in their own lives may be a factor as to why they act out the way they do.  So why are we more tolerant for some and not for others?

No matter what friend category a friend falls into, if they happen to offend us in life we react in one of two ways: we give them a 'by'  for the incident, or we write them off.  Right?  

Am I a Conditional OR Unconditional Friend?

Think about it, some of us have friends that have been there in dark times and offend us and we forgive them for it.  And still other friends, that haven't been there for us through dark times when we felt they should of, offends us and we write them off immediately.  Yet they didn't do anything worse than the other friend BUT because they didn't come through for us when we felt they should of, they don't get the same 'by' or another words, forgiveness, if you'll have it.

Have we ever taken the time to think that maybe, just maybe, those people or friends, may have their own issues in life that keep them for being what we need them to be in order to be 'worthy' of our continued unconditional friendship?  No, not usually, more than usual, we look out for ourselves and likely that is just human nature.  Still this has been on my mind.  

Do we really try to understand the other person before letting that friendship go, or do we only see it through our own eyes and what we need in life, or don't need at this point, and is that wrong?

Remember, I am a people pleaser so I am always trying to keep everyone happy, thus when I have a friendship that changes course, or I see someone else with a friendship that changes course I start my analysis 'thingy' and mull it over forever....why, why, why?   (Someone once shared an invite to the "I hate people group", and we laughed but deep inside me I cringed and thought, I can't "hate" people, I just can't, I won't)

We have seasons throughout our life and in every season,  things, people, and places, come and go for a reason but we have to be OH SO CAREFUL not to fallback on this and use this as an excuse for letting go, just because. 

THE BITTERNESS and RESENTMENT HURT LEAVES BEHIND...

Hurt is a very damaging experience and it turns good people towards ugliness.  Believe me I catch that spirit in me from time to time and have to nip it in the bud right there or it will turn to bitterness and resentment, ultimately hardening my heart.  

Ugliness comes in many forms, but the foundation is all the same, unresolved hurt turned to bitterness and resentment.  You may be saying or thinking, 

"no Val, you are being too naive, and I don't agree"..."I have let go of friendships and it's not due to hurt but more just sick of the way the person acts"  

Well I challenge you to look introspectively and I'll bet in your core you'll find that the real issue is a hurt that is causing you to give up on that person, and unaddressed hurt driving a lack of tolerance.

THANK GOD FOR FORGIVING FRIENDS...

I happen to have many very forgiving friends.  How do I know?  Because they forgive me over and over again for my pitfalls, my blemishes, and they see the value in that for themselves.  Maybe they are even selfish in a good way because they get it!  They get how healing forgiveness is for themselves, more than for the one you're forgiving.  And I gotta tell you that for this type of friend, they don't require a condition of the offender to ask for forgiveness or say "I'm sorry", they just plain forgive.  This is so key to our own health!  No I'm not crazy, OR am I?

 

Is this a season change in my life...

It maybe just that, but it also may be a catalyst to a hardened heart grown from bitterness and resentment, a result of unresolved hurt and pain.

Unresolved hurt and pain can take on a form of bitterness and resentment, finally hardening your heart to the point of no return.  If we find ourselves saying

"I don't really care anymore" than likely we have the symptoms that a hardened heart is starting to grow or already exists.

We may think that tossing that friendship aside is the answer and cure all BUT actually it is the first step to heartsickness, a troubled heart, and that in the end will only hurt one person, ourselves.  We may think,  'that's not true, no it won't', "it's much better this way", "I don't have to deal with it anymore", "all the nonsense" etc...but truly at times all that nonsense gets to you because of deeper hurt and pain that has been left undealt with and doesn't necessarily have to have been caused by the friend you're tossing aside, or giving up on.

Heartsickness runs deep inside US and if we don't deal with feelings from hurt and pain, it can and will change our character in the end.  It can make a very empathetic and loving person, cold and callous, as they naturally use it as a form of protective defense, or better known as a 'wall'. 

 

  "...don't let your heart be troubled."  Maybe this statement has more meaning...it is so clear to me now that I have experienced this... a 'heart' can become sick, or 'hardened' and one of the ways this can happen is by tossing hurt and pain aside and moving on without resolve.  

We hate confrontation or worse yet, feel it will go nowhere and would be an exercise in futility because the other person won't listen or change.  Yet the very person that needs the resolve and to change more than anyone sometimes is US!  

Why?  So we don't get heartsick or grow hardened hearts out of bitterness and resentment that festers inside us.  It starts with as little as an  "I don't care anymore" mentality.

MORAL of THE BLOG...

So turn back the hands of time, remember the person in your best of times and forgive for YOU, not for them!   Don't ever settle for less than the best YOU can be!

Just sayin...

It's Just Val, Ciao!